She inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine’s Day. And I’m like, “Thanks a heap, coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.”

I hate it when adults use the term “sexually active.” What does it even mean? That I like deactivate someday or is this some sort of permanent state of being?

You should’ve gone to China. You know, ’cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but I guess normalcy isn’t really our style.

I’m gonna punch that Bleeker kid in the wiener next time I see him.